Filós 1st Discharge
Last time I wrote something like this I’m pretty sure I was not wearing this body or anything alike, so basically It’s a first for these two hands to be in charge of typing these thoughts. Let us start by laying out the following facts which impact directly who I am, where I’m standing, and what I want… as of today.
My name is made out of the names and last names of the guys who raised my parents and grandparents. This made me grow up thinking/knowing that we are bound to our ancestors as they are bound to us; but not only that…going a bit further in time I like to think of this: we all carry the blood of the first beings who walked this place. Anyways, back to the name I don’t feel like it fits me but meh; I like to be called whatever you feel like calling me. In fact; I’d be fine if my name was a number but I guess we are too much bodies roaming this earth to have a number assigned.
My family is a group of 8 persons with different ages, different outlooks on life and different tastes; but, then a mystical force/word/concept called family brings us together as one.
We help each other without asking, we talk to each other as if we were best friends, we trust each other and we care for each other. Not every family I’ve met gets along well and I am grateful for mine.
My family is my tribe and we love to share our thoughts with each other and with other groups of beings; it’s actually pretty common for us to host these reunions where friends come and get immersed in our customs.
During my first years in society I was the shyest not talkative person I’ve ever met. Insecurity was my daily bread. I felt things I would never ask or talk about. I saw things I would never say or talk about. I often saw fellow humans as superior beings or deadly creatures who would make me feel bad. Don’t even talk about girls, or boys, or romance and relationships. I don’t even understand what I felt back then. My parents noticed. I was their second child and the first experiment was already a preppy teenager who looked pretty normal in comparison to me. So they made me go through a series of experiences so I could become a better person. Props for the effort, they kind of broke me up but then I feel It definitely worked.
Since the day my memories start and until today I’ve been a student(pre-K/school/university). There has not been a time in my life (other than vacations) where I don’t belong to an institution for intellectual development. With this educational part I have a love/hate relationship. Going through a small kindergarten and afterwards a very small Gringo school where I was famous for being one of the only costa Ricans got in the way of me enjoying a “normal” school life when I got to a traditional Costarican highscool.
Everything changes so fast when you are a wannabe gringo kid and then you realize you don’t, why would you? By tenth grade I was friends with everyone in La Salle and I felt I had life figured out. My best friend became my girlfriend and we took a 5 year trip into ourselves and getting to understand real life as a team. It was essential for me to have been accompanied during these first years out of the water. I don’t know how I would’ve taken it by myself. I’ll literally never know. But it was good and it worked.
When I got the hang of being an average “Tico” I enrolled in design school and got a degree fairly quickly. This episode of University was fun and I still had my partner in crime for a while during this period. Although I felt I had absorbed this bunch of knowledge; I had felt like I wanted or needed more, and because the universe conspires in our favor at this point came a door called “leave your country, and study abroad”
This is where the show starts, I thought to myself. But actually the show had started long ago and this was simply a new map to explore. I got my bags and my two guitars and flew south. A dream come true. I felt like in the movies. I actually still feel this when I look back at my 2017, or when I look at my Vulcanos Rugby team shirt signed by my teammates that I have in my room. I went by myself to be with myself, to live, to learn to see and to share.
What I felt before being in Medellin and what I feel today is not even comparable. You get to Colombia with the image they sell you on the media and when I got there I couldn’t believe what It has become. La Ciudad de Medellín… it’s like a miracle you have to be there to understand this.
So much smiling so much positive energy, people awake, the streets are clean, gangs respect each other, everything is real. Death, crime, poverty, class differentiation; but at the end of the day it’s love and happiness what wins this battle. The past brought too much pain to this city and it is clear that even the toughest of the gangsters in Medellin doesn’t want to re live the hell they were in during the 90’s.
So much people made me feel I was watching different combinations of factions from people I had previously met there or in Costa Rica. During a year and a bit more I was fully immersed in their culture. I Had an arepera and made arepas for breakfast during most part of the year. I met so many faces and befriended the real ones.
I haven’t tasted Colombian lips even once. even though that’s what most of my male friends promoted about Medellin “You are going to go crazy with the girls there”. All I saw were women who got clearly invested on by someone to have their bodies modified so they could fit the stereotype of a “good” Colombian woman… or some pretty girls looking for a material relationship and economic stability; and it’s crazy because its all cultural and for them everything I emphasize is super normal.
I feel pretty blessed to have been raised in this small little piece of land where every house raises their kids however the fuck they want to. If I was Colombian I definitely wouldn’t be able to type this block of text.
This part of this paper could include a bunch of fun and entertaining content, but the meaty part of this bone comes in the lessons learned. As a student living by myself abroad I learned the dos and donts of living by yourself. Don’t get me wrong I had an awesome time…
But I also almost killed myself. Being in this dreamy city, where the only thing missing for it to be a paradise would be a beach, can be a hazard; and more if you are a 23 year old design student, aspiring musician, marijuana connoisseur, and beer lover.
I started out by doing everything perfectly. But then time , school projects, emotional breakdowns, stress… can get to your head. I ended up eating one or two times a day; not because of money or food but because of laziness and lack of time. I wanted to spend more time on writing music, rendering images for the university projects, having a good time with my friends; than making me food. My Colon will always remember these days where I even got to the point where I couldn’t walk properly and had to have my pants unbuttoned to get around. My stomach was always bloated, I kind of didn’t know what was happening although I did know was not doing shit correctly.
The semester of school ended. Vacations Came and the stress went away. We had good projects that year. Even though we finished up like an hour before the presentation. It was a success. Costa Rica was around the corner.
The plan was coming up here four a couple weeks and then going back into action to finish up my process down there. Little did I know or little did my parents tell me that we were basically broke. Had I known and I would’ve brought everything I left at my apartment to Costa Rica, but I didn’t.
Life works in weird ways and I was stranded in Costa Rica without most of my belongings and trying to process the situation.
Vacations passed and classes started but I was still here in my room, unable to show up. Even though they kind of told me I could leave I knew I needed to stay. Get a job. Help my tribe out. Clearly this hit hard. This made me wake up. I had been living in a fake world where I didn’t have to make any money because my parents were always on it. This made me wake up.
As of this point my life turns into some kind of sabbatical year where I don’t want to touch my things related to school. No design, no drawing no woodworking, no illustrator no 3d modeling nothing related to what I’ve been putting inside my head for years. Kind of a blockage I made unpurposely. But I didn’t feel like it at all.
I got a job where the skill was basically speaking English. My first real job. Not what I am not what I want to be, not where I want to be…but a job that generates numbers, money, essential for living nowadays. For more than over a year Ive been in the “floor” connected to people in the states.
At the beginning helping them order stuff online; after that captioning for those who cannot hear the call. It’s a lifestyle and there are people made for this. I respect this line of work but because of who I am and want I lasted long enough. And It gave me enough money to settle the situation down a bit and to start this next chapter with some in my pocket.
This next chapter is where I reopen my creative gates and go back to what I was preparing to be. This part is as certain as it is uncertain. There are so many roads I could possibly take and all of them lead to different places.
I’m working on this daily. As I get to see new eyes, get to hear new sounds, get to see new colors and get to hear new ideas that make me want to move in a direction.
The trip never ends. I noticed that once I left for the first time I was never coming back. And so it was. I’ve never been the same.
I’ve grown closer to my loved ones due to the fact that I know what is not having them. I don’t usually find trust in people that’s not my kin, but when you are all by yourself you need to learn to read and trust certain eyes.
I have a small army of good souls that will take me to my grave if I die tomorrow. I am grateful for the good days and the bad and I’m sure there will be better ones and worse ones then the ones we have lived lived so far. What I want is to make sure I leave a good memory for the ones who meet me. What I want is to share what got to my knowledge before I go. What I want is to contribute to the ones surrounding me. I generate content for myself but thinking about who surrounds me.
That’s why I think of myself as a healer. Reiki, yeah everybody has got Reiki in their hands… Reiki stands for universal energy and we are all part of it. But also with the words I speak or write, with the songs I sing, with the pieces of clothing i make, the clothing I wear. It’s all part of the message.
You would be amazed of how you can impact
and empower someone just by telling them truths.